What’s in a Name?

A client of mine recently received an email from her mother-in-law, informing her that she had received a “Grandmother” request on Facebook from her step-granddaughter, my client’s daughter. Rather than “confirm” this request, the mother-in-law wrote her son and daughter-in-law an email, “setting the groundwork for the relationship.” She informed them that while she was pleased that her son had re-married, the daughter-in-law’s children “are most certainly not my grandchildren.” She further told the parents that they needed to clarify this with their young daughter. Shocked, the son responded, “they became my children when I married their mother.”

Interestingly, only the day before, my client had received a request from her husband’s oldest child, to be listed as her “Mother” under her step-daughter’s “Family” section. My client was flattered that her step-daughter would make this request (the daughter listed her natural mother as well) and, more importantly, realized that any response other than “confirm” would have devastated her step-daughter. After all, we all want to belong to a group, often called a “family,” don’t we?

Any social worker can tell you that children in foster care often use the familial terms, “Mom” and “Dad” with the foster parents. These children in no way intend to reject their own parents, they simply want to belong. In fact, research tells us that stepparents rarely replace a natural parent in the heart of a child. Children of separation and divorce often use these terms as reference points to explain their relationship to others without having to explain themselves or standout from the crowd. Say, for example, that your 4th grader is waiting for a ride after school. If she explains to a school official that “Dave is picking me up,” the official needs to check to make sure that “Dave” is on the approved list. However, if the child simply says “My Dad” is picking me up, everyone knows that the child is referring to a trusted adult. It’s a reference title; it is not a rejection of their own Father.

While I know that many readers would be devastated if their child referred to a step-parent as “Mom” or “Dad,” remember, for your child it is often a reference point. Children want to belong; they don’t want to have to explain their family relationships to everyone within earshot. While parents should not force a child to call their new partner “Mom” or “Dad,” both parents should recognize that it may occur, especially with young children. If you forbid your child from doing it, they are caught in a loyalty bind – many will do it anyway but make sure to use the right “lingo” in your home. Remember, it’s a title of affiliation, not a declaration of loyalty.

About the Author

Margaret Pickard is an attorney, author, and educator, specializing in family mediation and high conflict custody cases.  She currently serves as a Special Master/Parent Coordinator and Family Law Mediator for the Las Vegas Family Courts. Margaret is known in the Las Vegas community for her weekly UNLV Cooperative Parenting seminars for Family Court litigants, as well as her continuing legal education courses on high conflict custody for Nevada Family Court judges.