Teaching Responsibility:  Why It's Good to Set Limits For Our Children

Tanya’s parents were divorced when she was four. Like many children of high conflict divorce, she doesn’t have fond memories of her childhood. If you ask her about it, she will tell you about how she waited for her Dad, who never showed up, to come to her kindergarten graduation (because her Mom promised that she invited him but she didn’t); that she wondered why her Dad never called on her birthday (he did but her Mom never told her); and why her Mom would always go to Disneyland when Tanya was supposed to see her Dad. You probably think that I making this stuff up but I’m not; I haven’t even changed her name because Tanya, who is now 34, is so open about her anger towards her Mother for the years she missed out on having a relationship with her Father.

You might say “Who would do something like that to their child?” While Tanya’s case is truly outrageous, other parents (not you or me, of course) do many of the same things, they are just more subtle about it. Have you ever told your child that “it’s too bad” that they have to miss a friend’s party, a soccer game, or a sleepover because they “have to” see their other parent? Admit it, you probably have… I have, even though I didn’t do it with any malice in my heart.

I truly felt bad that my child had to miss an activity. I know better now, but I haven’t always. Kids of divorce often face disappointment far more frequently than their friends, but they are also learning some great lessons from these situations. Like sacrifice, for one.

It’s OK to teach our children that their social schedule is not at the center of everyone else’s universe. If that sounds harsh, it’s exactly how most of our parents and grandparents were raised. It’s funny, because they never questioned it; it’s just how it was. If the garden needed to be weeded and it took all day, it took all day, regardless of their social calendar. If the hay needed to be stacked, it had to be stacked before the rain came, even if they had a school dance or a football game. Were these experiences “bad” for our parents and grandparents? Their parents didn’t think so; in fact, their parents were the ones who took these opportunities to teach them the valuable lesson of commitment to the family and self- sacrifice for others.

So our parents and their parents learned that family was important, that work came before play, the value of accommodating others. Is that so bad?

Our children are, as a generation, overindulged. We give them pretty much whatever they want, as long as we can afford it (and often when we can’t). Parenting experts tell us that indulging our child’s every whim is not good for them; in fact, it’s counterproductive. It’s good for kids to learn disappointment (to an extent), patience, and sacrifice. We don’t need to remind them of what they might miss out on, but maybe it’s OK to remind them of the more important things in life. Teaching our children love and respect for their parents, including our ex, is a lesson that will pay dividends in our old age.