How To Handle Parental Alienation

In divorce or separation, 10% - 15% of children express strong resistance to spending time with one of their parents. It may be the father or mother. It may be the parent the child “visits,” or the parent where the child lives. Is this the result of abuse by the “rejected” parent? Or is this the result of alienation by the “favored” parent?

The idea that one parent can alienate a child against the other has been a big controversy in family courts over the past 20 years, with the conclusion that there are many possible causes for this resistance. Resistance to spending time with a parent is always a serious problem. Most courts take reports of alienation very seriously and want to know if this is the result of abuse or alienating behavior.

This needs to be investigated, fully understood,and treated with counseling in many cases. Otherwise, the child’s future relationships may be much more difficult. Parenting alienated children requires a new set of parenting skills. You must respond appropriately to an alienated child’s behavior in order to overcome the alienation and form a strong bond with that child. These parenting tips will help you overcome many of the challenges you might be facing:

1. Maintain Contact. In order to combat alienation, you MUST maintain regular contact with your child to allow your child to see you in a positive environment.

2. Be Patient: The best way to respond to an alienated child is to be patient. Getting angry in front of your child, either because of something your ex says or because of your child’s behavior or attitude, only reinforces your child’s negative perception of you. Remind yourself that getting angry allows your ex to be in control.

3. Be Positive. Alienated children will withdraw further if they sense that you are negative about their other parent. Allow your child to love both parents and go the extra mile by making a positive comment about the other parent each week.

4. Be Consistent. Always do what you tell your children you will do. If your children expect you to call or pick them up at a certain time, make sure you do, even if you know they won’t be available. Your children need to know that you are reliable, despite what the alienating parent might tell them.

5. Parenting With Love & Logic. Great parents follow the principles set forth in the book, Parenting with Love and Logic (Foster & Cline)… Get it… Read it…Apply it.

6. Tell Your Children You Love Them. Remind your children how much you love them. If they repeat a negative comment that they have heard about you, tell them “Well I’m sorry so and so feels that way. I’m glad you’re smart enough to figure it out for yourself.”

7.    Enjoy your children.  Parents who successfully combat alienation create positive memories for their children. Remember that your child needs at least one stable loving parent to anchor them.  Believe that your children need you…  even if they don’t know it yet.

About the Author

Margaret Pickard is an attorney, author, and educator, specializing in family mediation and high conflict custody cases.  She currently serves as a Special Master/Parent Coordinator and Family Law Mediator for the Las Vegas Family Courts. Margaret is known in the Las Vegas community for her weekly UNLV Cooperative Parenting seminars for Family Court litigants, as well as her continuing legal education courses on high conflict custody for Nevada Family Court judges.