Graduation

Many times children of separation and divorce miss out on activities when they change homes; it may be a birthday party, a sleep over, a play date or another event; no matter what the occasion, it’s important to let our kids know that they have our permission to spend time with the other parent. While they may miss some activities along the way, it will not emotionally scar them for life. However, it is our responsibility, as their anchor parent, to remind them of this, to suggest an alternate plan with their birthday friend (a play date with lunch at our house, a movie night with popcorn, or just a day at the park).

My children have faced this dilemma many times. When schools in Las Vegas were on the “track system,” my elementary school kids were on a different schedule than my middle and high school aged children. This meant that when there was a summer conflict, the younger kids often missed a few days of school because it had less of an impact on their academic success. When parents are divorced and trying to manage kids’ schedules, their own vacation schedules, and often step-kids’ schedules, summer planning can get very complex.

When my oldest daughter was in the 5th grade, the only available summer schedule meant that she would miss her 5th grade graduation [I know you’re probably aghast]. For her, this was the end-of-the world, but with family reunions planned, step-children’s schedules (on both sides), and summer camps, the only time she would have to visit her Dad during the summer was in the month on August. She came home from school one day with tears streaming down her face because she realized that she would miss the celebration “of her life.” She ran up to her room and face planted on the bed. My heart broke for her and yet there was really nothing we could do. It was prohibitively expense to fly her back for the weekend celebration and the ceremony couldn’t be rescheduled for just one student. I told my husband my predicament.

Wise as he is, my husband had a direct solution. He walked up to her room, sat next to her, rubbed her back and simply told her that he was sorry that she would miss this celebration, but, he told her, it was worth the trade-off. He explained, “You will have more than one graduation in life, from middle school, high school, college and maybe even grad school…. but building a relationship with your Dad is once in a lifetime. You can never get this time back and your Dad wants to see you grow up.” She thought about it for a minute and realized that this was true; because her Dad lives far away, they had limited time together. This sudden realization (along with a reminder of all the fun she has with her Dad), excited her about her visit. So, jumping off the bed and with a smile on her face, she ran out to play, causing me to do a double take.

My husband’s simple act gave my daughter perspective on her relationship with her Dad; without this encouragement, she could have blamed her Dad, or us, for missing this celebration. Instead, he chose the higher road of the unselfish act – reminding a daughter of the love of her Dad. Whether or not you realize it, kids need their parents ‘ permission to love, and be loved, by the other parent. In this way, our children develop self-confidence and self-esteem and ultimately, become happy and healthy adults. Isn’t that something to celebrate?

About the Author

Margaret Pickard is an attorney, author, and educator, specializing in family mediation and high conflict custody cases.  She currently serves as a Special Master/Parent Coordinator and Family Law Mediator for the Las Vegas Family Courts. Margaret is known in the Las Vegas community for her weekly UNLV Cooperative Parenting seminars for Family Court litigants, as well as her continuing legal education courses on high conflict custody for Nevada Family Court judges.