All Work and No Play

Divorce and separation teaches our kids life’s lessons at an early age. Children of divorce or separation often learn to pack a bag of clothing and remember a teddy bear or a textbook at an earlier age than their counterparts from “nuclear” families. However, a surprising number of these children are also missing out on an important part of growing up; learning their parents’ work ethics by watching their parents work, putting in long hours at the office, scrubbing toilets, doing yard work, and simply sacrificing time and effort for the family. In fact, children of separation and divorce often escape the common task of doing household chores themselves, so not only are they not seeing all of their parent’s effort, they are also not going through it for themselves. When I tell parents this in my Cooperative Parenting Class the general response is a state of confusion, much like what I am sure you are in right now, with the underlying question, “What are you talking about?? My kids work at my house.”

Well, let me share this tidbit with you by first asking you a few questions (you would think I was a psychologist) instead of an attorney. When your children are with the other parent, do you work longer hours, trying to get more work done or put in more hours when the children are away? Do you spend more time at work, do extra yard work, or complete unpleasant tasks (such scrubbing the bathrooms) when your kids are away? Do you plan your week “off” so that you get more work done so you will have more free time or play time when your children are with you?

Many separated or divorced parents do just this; they work hard when their children are gone so they can spend more unstructured time relaxing and having fun with the kids. This is particularly true in custody arrangements where parents spend only a few days a week or a few days in a month with their children. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s good to prioritize so that you can spend time with your kids when you have your kids… but…

Do you see a pattern in what you might be doing? For hundreds of years, parents have taught their children to work by working alongside them, whether it was plowing a field or weeding a garden, building a house or fixing a leaking roof, cleaning a carriage or washing a car; children have learned, and do learn, by watching their parents work. But if parents aren’t working when they have their children, they aren’t teaching their work ethics and principles to their children, so how do children learn these?

A common complaint among employers these days is that the younger generation does not know how to work, how to complete complex and difficult projects, how to put in long hours, how to sacrifice. Where do we expect our children to learn this if not at home? I encourage you to ask yourself if you are passing down your values to your children?  Are you teaching them to work hard and be industrious? Recently, during a training for the family law judges, I asked them what they want for their children when they are older… say 20, 30, 40? The response? “A job”. I rest my case.