Holiday Custody Issues

We are the in the midst of the winter holidays and for many parents in conflict, this is the most stressful time of the year. Parents often resent the court ordered shared parenting time, as holidays are split or alternated and family traditions are disrupted. This is the time of the year that we reflect, consciously or unconsciously, on the holidays we experienced as children. Not surprisingly, adults who had positive holiday experiences report that they love the holidays and they want to relive this with their children. However, those who had negative experiences during the holidays often come to dread them, generally identifying “family tensions” as the main reason for their feelings. Adult children of divorce often experience heightened anxiety as the holidays approach, as they recall parental conflicts, extended family negativity towards one or both of their parents, and feelings of powerlessness in having to change homes during the holidays.

As separated/divorced parents approach the holidays, it’s important for them to consider the “holiday spirit” they share with their children. One father of teens recently reflected that he never before realized that he had been a passive participant in the holidays. His wife had arranged the gifts, family dinners, and holiday decorations. While he had been supportive of all these activities, he had not participated in them, and he didn’t really know HOW to do it all. His first Thanksgiving was spent with his two teenage children, eating turkey sandwiches and watching football. He said, “It didn’t feel like Thanksgiving.” However, I have a friend who spends every Thanksgiving with his kids, watching football and putting up Christmas decorations; even when they are invited to a friend’s home for dinner, they often decline, because they love their tradition. It seems that it is not WHAT we do for the holidays, but HOW we do it. Our past shapes our future and it is amazing how our children will follow our lead; if we enjoy it, and we make it fun, they enjoy it too.

However, it is not uncommon for one parent to view their co-parent’s celebration as “inadequate” if it does not conform to what is perceived as a “traditional celebration.” While some parents may actively seek to interfere with their co-parent’s holiday time, other parents may negatively comment to the children about the celebration. These are both forms of parental alienation and no matter how you put it, parental alienation is harmful to children. Children need to be allowed to love both parents; if one parent has a shortcoming, most children will eventually see it. In the meantime, allow your children the opportunity to spend quality time with the other parent. Whether or not you approve of how your co-parent celebrates the holiday, parents who are able to recognize that their children do best when they are removed from conflict, will accept that their co-parent is entitled to celebrate the holiday in their own way; they will recognize the benefits of their children experiencing the holidays with diversity. Remember, the spirit of the holidays we share will stay with our children forever.